What color should my toenails be?

What color should my toenails be? It's time for a new color today. As I look through the options, I realize I have some interesting choices thanks to my friend, Jenn, and that lovely store, Christmas Tree Shop in Manchester, Connecticut. Thoughts of both bring back excellent memories filled with friendship and love and laughter.

But, I digress. Who cares about toenail color, you might say...well, believe it or not, I look at toenails to see what color the owner has chosen to adorn them. I think it says something about one's personality.

Right now, I can choose this lovely blue green color called "Marine Scene." What would the choice of this color reflect about my personality? As I paint it on, I see that it really does reflect the color of the ocean, so blue and rich, yet so transparent. I would like to be this way, blue and rich...genuine, filled with wonder, filling others with wonder like the ocean...yet transparent. Able to be known, seen through. With lots of depth. Yes, this is a definite possibility, I think.

Next on the list is a baby pink. It reminds me of all things young and innocent. Bubble gum and a teddy bear. Confetti on a cupcake. A young baby girl with her whole life ahead of her. A color that reflects purity, an unknowing about all the bad things the world has within. Cancer. AIDS. Lost relationships. Death. Disease. Famine. Job loss. Not making ends meet. Confusion. Panic. Anxiety. Paranoia. There is no sign of any of these things in this beautiful color. Surely, if I were to paint my nails this color, maybe I too could go back to the time when I didn't realize the negative, if just for a moment here and there. Could I steal away some time to relive the wondrous days of my youth?

Next is a color called Ruby Slipper. This gem was purchased at one of my favorite vacation stores: Del Sol. For those who don't know, Del Sol products appear to be one color and design, but when you put them in the sun, they change colors. So, even though the polish is called Ruby Slipper, right now inside my house it appears not ruby at all, but rather a glittery silver. Wow, *this* is Natalie, I think to myself. On the outside, she is glittery silver. She lives in a nice house, goes to church, and has a great job. Her life is looking very beautiful right now. When you look deeply inside her soul, though, you will see a depth. A ruby red. When you put her in heat like the sun, she too will change colors. The red reflects her love for others. It reflects her quick temper. It reflects her primary emotions, as red is a primary color. There are many facets to Natalie. It takes a lifetime to really know them all. Even she can sometimes surprise herself. But wasn't it Eleanor Roosevelt who said that women are like tea bags because you never know how strong they are until you put them in hot water? I enjoy that quote.

The last of my options is "Pow Plum." Pow? Pow Plum is a deep purple color. It is regal, grand. It makes a statement. I can see how this one reflects my desires for myself as well. I want to make a statement. I want to speak into people's lives. I want to be seen without a doubt. To make a difference. To help others see what love is, how God loves them. Toenails that are Pow Plum are not going to go unnoticed. I want to be this for my students. Not that they will notice me for the sake of noticing me, but that they will notice their education...to want to learn....to feel refreshed and em'pow'ered.

In the end, I can't decide yet. All of these colors reflect who I want to be. Deep yet innocent, multifaceted and impactful. Luckily, in my life, I don't have to decide exactly which color I am today. Instead, I let God mold and shape the colors of my life. I give Him thanks and praise for that! I give Him all the credit for who and what I am. I can't wait to see what color God paints my toenails today!

You are...

Hello beloved person! Just wanted to write a note of encouragement to tell you what an awesome day you should be having. Why, you ask? You say the bills are piled high and you can't take another bit of bad news...so, an awesome day seems so far out of reach...but it's not. Take a breath and realize this. You are a beautiful child of God. You have been fearfully and wonderfully made, knit together in your mother's womb. Before anyone here on earth knew you, the God of the universe was there to hold your hand, to craft you...to put you on this earth for a purpose. You are loved by many. You have wonderful skills, talents and abilities. You have regrets, but God doesn't have any regrets about you. You are forgiven. You are whole now. You cannot be shaken for long. If God is on your side, who can be against you? You are a beautiful masterpiece for all the world to cherish. You are special. You are entirely unique. No one else is exactly like you.

Take this knowledge and go forward. Treat and see others as though this is true of them as well. The person in front of you in line. The gardener. The boy who mows your yard. The person getting a drink of water at the same time you are. Your friends. Your mother. Now more of a challenge: your worst enemy. The one you dread talking to. The one who calls at a bad time, every time. The one who's so hard to love.

If we are created in God's image, we cannot just love those who are easy to love. What would happen if you channeled some of the love God feels for you into one concentrated, directed stream of love for others? Be God's vessel...let His love for others shine through you. Be Jesus on earth. That's what you were designed for. This is your purpose. Now go. Honor it.

Being a girl...

Those who know me know that I am not that much of a girl. I don't wear makeup. I don't like skirts. I am not into pink. I don't even have anything to say to girls usually. Why am I telling you this? Well, I'm staying in a hotel room with two friends because I'm at a conference in Providence, and we started to have a discussion tonight about the benefits and drawbacks of wearing makeup. Like I said, I am totally against makeup. I don't like the time it takes to put it on. I don't like to feel fake. I am of the mentality that if you love me, you will love my bags and wrinkles. This is what I look like. Take it or leave it. Love me or don't. If you don't, your loss. I am sorry if that sounds callous, but that is the honest me.

So, one of my friends (who is pro makeup) asked if she could put makeup on me so I could just see what it is like. She put some on our other friend too. No offense against my other friend, but I did not like the way she looked with the makeup on. Then the pro makeup friend was like "it's your turn..." talking to me. So, I let her put makeup on me, thinking "let's humor her."

Suffice it to say, I was wrong. There, I said it just for you, Marie-Joelle! I am lookin' hot! I think I may have turned a corner tonight. Look out, world. My bags are gone. I no longer need to shop at Sag Harbor.

I might really be a girl after all. I won't know what to do with myself tomorrow. What if people expect me to get new pink underwear? That one was for you, Wind.

I'm resurrecting this blog...

Hi all you faithful readers (ha ha ha),

I'm resurrecting this blog...you can all breathe a sigh of relief. LOL. Why did I stop writing? I don't know. Why did you stop reading? Prolly cause it has been over a year since my last posting. Details!

I'm quite a different person than I was last summer when you were reading this blog. Things have changed. I'm more passionate about God, and I'm less passionate about God all at the same time. Every Sunday I cry in church because I feel the ways God is moving, but yet I feel like sin tempts me more and more.

I try to love others, and yet I am more quick-tempered than I've ever been. I have developed a heart of compassion I have never had before but sometimes I wonder who my true friends are and I don't trust others easily.

I'm insecure, yet sometimes I get too full of myself. I've started to care more about my appearance. I get my hair cut at the expensive salon and I don't think it's ridiculous anymore, yet I look in the mirror and see someone who's aging, who's 32. Even the ads on Facebook know my age. I can't escape it. I am trying to look like a girl these days. Look out, world.

I have started to realize I'm just Natalie. And, Natalie is a woman created by God to do good things. I'm excited by that. I can go easy on her when she makes mistakes because I know they're just temporary. When I was a child, on the door of my bedroom was a sign that said "Please be patient. God isn't finished with me yet." Well, I could still have that sign on my door today because God is still working on me. I went to Russia on a mission trip in May and I started to slow down enough to hear the small voice of God that normally gets drowned out by the lawnmower or the emails I get. It was awesome. But, how can I live within His will daily?

I have also started to realize I don't have to fake it. I don't have to make time for those who won't make time for me. I can invest in those who love me, and not have to please everyone who doesn't. It's very liberating. I still hate conflict though.

So, there you have it. There is how 2008 Natalie is different than 2007 Natalie. Stay tuned to this blog. Those who know me well know I have lots of opinions on about everything. And, you probably don't need to read this to know my opinions. But, I hope you still will.

Nat's back in business...kinda like Daddy Day Care. :)

What weeds?

Friends, we had weeds. And, I mean big ones. We have a playground area in our backyard. It is a 40 X 24 area filled with gravel and ripped up landscape fabric that is nice in theory but doesn't stay put worth a darn. Oh, and the weeds. I promise you we looked out one day and they were 3 inches tall and the next day they were 16 inches tall. No joke. So, we looked at them and did what any "you've got to be kidding me, it's 97 degrees out there and I am lazy" homeowners would do and ignored them. Luckily, they stopped growing. But, still they were 16 inches tall. I mean, how big do you need them to get before you realize "Houston, we have a problem."

We didn't even talk about them in our house. It was like the problem that everyone knows you have but you don't want to actually verbalize. Then one day I tell my husband, "I think we should try to pull those weeds." And he says, "They will come out easily...their roots can't be any further down than the landscape fabric." WHY did you NOT tell me this BEFORE? I was thinking they were rooted clear to Tampa at least, maybe Miami.

So, for two nights last week, we got out there together and pulled weeds. Sure enough, they did come out pretty easily, but keep in mind this is 960 square feet we're talking about (1280 cubic feet, since they are all 16 inches tall, but I digress) so it still took two nights. And, as we pulled, we had what my friend and colleague, Kira, talks about in her blog---some family time. Just us and nature. Sounds cheesy, I know. But, there wasn't any TV. The dishwasher wasn't running. The cat wasn't having a hairball we had to clean up with our steam vac. Nope, just us and the weeds, our brand new garden gloves from Meijer, and our wheelbarrow...our house, our new life in Normal, Illinois. Thank you, God, for times like these.

As I've thought about this over the last week, I started wondering if weeds grow in our yards so we have to get out there and pull them...you know, hang out OUTSIDE. Breathe in the evening air filled with the neighbor's barbecue chicken, say hi to someone walking their dog by your house...weed pulling gets you out, face to face with your neighbors, whom, as a nation, we don't know anymore. Sad, isn't it? In addition, weed pulling gives you a sense of ownership over your house. It allows you to talk, in close proximity, with your loved ones and those neighbors who may become your loved ones if you would only get to know them. As silly as this sounds, after I've been out pulling weeds, I see the beauty of coming back in and enjoying the AC. When I sit in the house all night, it feels too hot (because I have no reference point) and I'm cranky. :)

The next time you see weeds coming up in your flower bed, instead of thinking "@#$%!@ it!" or "That's it! I'm calling the landscaper!" imagine, if you can, that maybe YOU can be the landscaper...as you shape your yard, pulling weeds may also shape your life.

Something is wrong...but don't talk about it!

Lately, I am concerned because our society doesn't let us express negative emotions. Two days ago, I was told I am not very good with pain. And it left me thinking "Who are these people who ARE good with pain?" And isn't there something WRONG if you are "good" with it? Pain is pain---it is bad. I mean, why do we teach kids not to cry and why do people feel like they have to be calm and not say anything when they are in pain??? If I'm in pain, I think I should feel free to say this hurts, and it sucks. Help me.

A friend of mine wants to become pregnant and isn't. It has been over a year and she is getting a bit upset at this point. But, people are telling her not to get upset...to just calm down. Are we serious about this? If you are wanting to become pregnant and you are not, it seems natural to become a bit upset. If you didn't care, what kind of mom or wife would you be? I mean, are people allowed to ever care about anything? If a person were to just be like "oh well, so I'm not pregnant...anyone for Monopoly?" then something seems WRONG with THAT...not the person who gets a bit upset because they aren't.

Why don't we let our kids cry when their feelings are hurt or when they fall down? I feel better after a good cry myself. Why do we say "shhh, shhh, shhh?" That drives me nuts. I think Hootie and the Blowfish had a good idea when they said just "Let Her Cry." Let's teach our kids to get it out. Let's let them hurt and grieve for a time, and let's be there to teach and help them through it instead of telling them it's not all right to be sad.

Here is the problem with writing...

The problem with writing is that I am never motivated to do it. When I was finishing my dissertation, I would motivate myself to do it by telling myself I could have some candy while writing. Being a psychologist, I know that I am conditioning myself to like writing more by doing this, and I think, "Hey, whatever works, right?" I like candy. Candy good. Candy paired with writing makes writing good. This is great logic except, if you do it, you gain 500 pounds when you have an article that needs to go out. Glorious.

Wednesday I got an email from one of my collaborators asking about a manuscript that needs revised. I told her I would get on it yesterday, but yesterday I was feeling sick, so here I am today working on it. So far, working on it has consisted of making a list of "action items," which are suggested revisions for myself. It has taken me all day to do this. I am a genius when it comes to writing...ha.

My husband is leaving now to help friends with their computer, and on his way out I asked him to bring the Oreos up from the kitchen. Not exactly M&Ms in terms of motivators, but still darn good. I like teaching more and more all the time.

Natalie